Arguing and Making Up in English at B1: What to Say When It Gets Hard

Nobody studies for the argument. You learn to order coffee and describe your job, and then one evening you need to say that you are hurt, and the English simply is not there. Either you go silent, or the few strong words you know come out much harsher than you meant. This article gives you the phrases for the difficult part: disagreeing without attacking, apologising properly, and finding your way back.

In a second language, arguments go wrong in a particular way. You have fewer words, so you reach for the ones you are sure of, and those are often the blunt ones. Words like always, never, stupid and wrong are easy to learn and very heavy when a partner hears them. In your first language you would soften them without thinking. In English you have to do it on purpose.

This is also one of the situations where being calm matters more than being correct. If English is not the first language of one of you, the person who is speaking their second language gets tired faster, and tired speakers get sharper. Many couples agree on a simple rule that helps: either of you can say that you need a pause, and the other person accepts it. The phrases for that come first.

Asking for a pause without walking out

Silence or a slammed door can look like a punishment. A short sentence that says you will come back looks like the opposite. The key is to name the reason and give a time.

Disagreeing without attacking

English has a whole layer of small softening words. They do not change the meaning of your point, they change how it lands. Compare I disagree with You may be right, but I see it differently. The second one takes the same position and leaves the other person a way to keep listening.

The most useful pattern is to describe your own experience instead of the behaviour of your partner. Instead of You never listen, try I feel like I am not being heard. The first is an accusation that invites a defence. The second is a statement about you, and it is difficult to deny.

• I see what you mean, but I see it a bit differently.
• I understand why you are upset. Can I explain how it looked to me?
• Maybe I did not explain this well.
• I feel hurt when plans change without a message.
• It seems to me that we want different things here. Can we talk about that?
• Help me understand why this matters so much to you.

What not to say

Some sentences almost always make an argument bigger. They are not rude in a dictionary sense, which is why learners use them. In real English they land like a slap.

Always and never are the biggest problem. You always forget and you never help are rarely literally true, so the other person spends the whole reply defending the exception, and the real topic disappears. Calm down is another one. In English it usually makes people angrier, because it tells them their feeling is a problem. Whatever is similar: it ends the conversation by saying you have stopped caring. And You are being ridiculous or You are overreacting tells your partner that their feeling is wrong, which starts a second argument about the first.

The phrases that make people feel heard

Half of a good argument is listening, and in English you can show it with small repeated phrases. Repeating back what you heard is very effective when you are unsure of your English, because it also checks your understanding. Saying So you felt I did not care, is that right? gives your partner a chance to correct you kindly, and it shows you are trying.

A few phrasal verbs turn up in almost every argument, so they are worth knowing. You bring up a topic, you back down when you stop insisting, you give in when you accept the other side, and you talk something over or work it out together. Two people who fall out have a disagreement that damages the relationship for a while, and when they make up they repair it. The B1 phrasal verbs list covers most of these with examples.

• Sorry, I interrupted. Please go on.
• So what you are saying is that you felt alone. Did I understand?
• I did not know that. Thank you for telling me.
• You have a point.
• I want to understand, not to win.

Apologies that land

A weak apology in English has one easy sign: the word but. I am sorry, but you also... cancels everything before it. Another weak form is I am sorry you feel that way, which apologises for the feeling of the other person and not for anything you did. It sounds polite and it lands as an insult.

A strong apology has three parts: it names what you did, it says the effect it had, and it says what will change. You do not need advanced English for that. Short sentences are enough, and they often work better than clever ones. Native speakers also say sorry for small things all day, especially in Britain, so the word alone carries little weight. That is why the naming part matters.

Making up

After the hard part, a short warm sentence does a lot. Many people find it easier to write than to say, especially in a second language, and a short message is a perfectly good first step. Are we okay? is very natural and very common. Can we start again? and I love you, even when we argue are both easy to say and hard to argue with.

One difference between British and American speakers is worth knowing. British speakers often treat a small argument as something to make a joke about afterwards, and a light tone is a sign of peace. Many Americans prefer to say directly that they want to talk it through. Neither is right, and if your partner is from one of these cultures it helps to know which way they lean.

If the argument was about family, writing to the family of your partner has a few similar patterns for a gentler tone. And if you want to understand why couples with two languages argue about small things more than they expect, learning the language of your partner explains the pattern.

• Are we okay?
• I hate it when we fight. Can we start again?
• Thank you for listening. I know it was not easy.
• I am still upset, but I want to fix this with you.
• Can I have a hug?
• Let us not go to bed angry.

Keep the phrases you want to have ready

You cannot look up a phrase in the middle of an argument. The ones you want are the ones you already know. Choose the five or six from this article that sound like you, save them as cards in MindDory, and review them in the app when things are calm. A page of a book or a message you want to understand can be turned into cards with the scan to cards tool, and the B1 vocabulary list has more words for feelings to add.